


I Feel Saudade Without You

by Aifizao



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bartenders, Betrayal, Boats & BIrds - Gregory & the Hawk, Comfort, Depression, Dib is Of Legal Age (Invader Zim), Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/F, Female Dib - Freeform, Female Zim (Invader Zim), Frenemies Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Genderswap, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Interesting ;), Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Original Character(s), Older Dib (Invader Zim), Original Character(s), Partner Betrayal, Regret, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sadness, Songfic, Useless Lesbians, aaaHHH this song made me sad so, tsk tsk, you all get to be sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aifizao/pseuds/Aifizao
Summary: Saudade: (  /ˌsaʊˈdɑːdə/ )a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves.
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Dib (Invader Zim) & Original Character(s), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	I Feel Saudade Without You

**Author's Note:**

> take my sucky angst.  
> * throws it at ya *  
> I'm still bad at writing but i'm tryin'-
> 
> song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hn4EIv1-uz0  
> it's an oldie but a goodie <3

_-_

_“_ _If you'll be my star,_ _”_

  
  


Dib was laying on her bed, clad in a soft blue hoodie and some comfortable jeans, headphones in her ears, scythe bopping with the beat. eyebrows furrowed, humming slightly with the beat, mouthing out some lyrics. 

_“_ _I'll be your sky,_ _“_

_Dib glanced at the tightly shut window with a look of betrayal._

_“_ _You can hide underneath me, and come out at night._ _“_

Dib thought about those times when they fought. All those times when they laughed. All those times when they cried, joked, smiled, hugged, _loved._

_All gone._

_All just because she chose them over her._

_( Who would choose her anyway? )_

_Dib sighed._

_( Tears glazed over her eyes. Dib refused to acknowledge them. )_

_-_

_“_ _When I turn jet black, and you show off your light.-_ _“_

_“ I live to let you shine. “ _

_( The tears ran down on her cheeks, some dripping on her pillow. )_

**_“_ ** **_I live to let you shine._ ** **_“_ **

-

  
  


_Dib walked over to the entrance of the lab._

_Dib bust into Zim’s base, a rare occurrence these days, and began promptly scurrying down into her labs, passing by a multitude of all kinds of experiments. She couldn’t bother with them right now, her best and only friend in the whole universe was leaving_ **_forever!_ **

_Dib dashed down to the main part of the lab, where she knew Zim would be._

_“ Zim!? Are you seriously going back to Irk?! “_

_Zim, who was in the important process of_ ** _leaving the fucking planet,_** _jumped at Dib’s appearance, as if Dib was catching Zim stealing the cookies or some_ ** _shit_** _, not leaving Dib_ ** _(_** _all_ ** _)_** _alone on_ ** _(_** _dull_ ** _)_** _earth forever and making her_ ** _(_** _so so_ ** _)_** **_miserable_** _by every second she continued joking around-_

_“ Yes, Dib, Zim is going back to Irk. The Tallest need Zim now. ”_

**_..._ **

**_....._ **

_What?_

_“ Bu- But,_ **_Zim!_ ** _You can’t just_ ** _leave!_ ** _“ Dib yelled out, fists tightening, nails digging into her_ _palms._

_A look flashed on Zim’s face that Dib couldn’t catch._

_Another look made itself known instead, anger and frustration._

_“ Yes, I can,_ **_Dib-stink._ ** _“ Zim hissed out, the sneer on her face reminiscent of when they were enemies._

**_What?_ **

_Dib’s eyes were about the size of two wide dinner plates, filled with anger, sadness, and_ **_betrayal._ **

**_(_ ** _What a feast to dine on for the next_ **_10 years. )_ **

_She hadn’t called her that in_ ** _years._ ** _They agreed on no insults and everything! Why… Why would she do this?_ **_Who made her do this??_ **

_Dib stood there in shock, knees almost buckling down to the floor, frozen._

_Zim passed her without much of a single thought, cackling madly._

_( It sounded fake to Zim herself. )_

_“ You really thought we were friends??? “ Zim squeezed in some words through her mad cackling, amused at the thought that Dib thought the friendship was real._

  
  


_( It_ **_was_ ** _. )_

_Tears welled up in Dib’s eyes._

_“ Zim- “ She tried to call out._

_“_ _ABUpupup- none of that now, Dib. “_

_“ But- “ Pleading._

_“ No. “ Firm._

_“ But Zim- “ Begging even._

_“ Zim is not changing her mind. “_

_Dib dropped her head into her hands. Said fisted hands curled tighter, white with strain. She suddenly felt mad with anger. How could Zim leave her like this? Dib was loyal to Zim as a friend and this is the thanks she gets??? Getting stabbed in the back? Getting left alone??_ **_Betrayal???_ **

_(_ **_What a bitch._ ** _)_

_Dib yelled out her next words with a mix of numb and anger._

_“ You know what?_ **_Fine._ ** _If you’re going to fucking go back to your so-called leaders, don’t come back crawling to me. And if you even_ ** _think_** _that I'm going to forgive you after this, you’re sorely mistaken,_ **_Zim._ ** _“ Dib growled out. She got a delicious cup of hot satisfaction when Zim flinched away slightly before regaining her composure._

_( The satisfaction burned her tongue. )_

_Zim started to smirk as she said her next words._

_( She wasn’t happy in any way, Zim didn’t want to leave, Zim wanted to stay,_ **_shejustwantedtostay-_ ** _)_

_She had to say it._ _Inhaling, she gritted out her last words to the human._

_“ Goodbye, forever Di- “ She got cut off._

_“ You don’t get to say my name anymore. “ Dib leveled Zim with a glare that was absolutely_ **_Not Dib._ **

_( It was frankly terrifying. )_

_“ Goodbye,_ **_Freak._ ** _“_

_And she left._

_-_

_“_ _But you can skyrocket away from me_ _, “_

_“_ _And never come back if you find another galaxy,_ _“_

_“_ _Far from here_ _, ”_

**_“_ ** **_With more room to fly,_ ** **_“_ **

_“_ _Just leave me your stardust, “_

_“ To remember you by._ _“_

_-_

_  
  
_

Dib’s eyes fluttered shut. She pretended like she was floating in the void that we call the universe peacefully, no anger, no fake friends, no _Zim,_ just her and the quiet thrum of the universe surrounding her.

_It was dull._

**_Ugh._ **

_-_

_“_ _If you'll be my boat_ _, ”_

_“_ _I'll be your sea,_ _“_

_“_ _A depth of pure blue,_ _“_

_“_ _Just to probe curiosity,_ _”_

_“_ _Ebbing,_ _”_

Dib's eyes flickered open, sadly gazing at the ceiling. A sob almost ripping through her throat.

_Almost._

_( The sob ripped out anyway. )_

_“_ _And flowing,_ _“_

_“_ _And pushed by a breeze_ _”_

_“_ _I live to make you free_ _, “_

**_“_ ** **_I live to make you free._ ** **_“_ **

_-_

_After Dib had run out on her, Zim broke down on her knees, sobbing, trembling, and curled up in a ball._

**_Why,_ ** _why did she say that to her?! She could have eased into it, explaining why she had to go, but_ ** _no,_ ** _she goes and destroys the girl’s trust completely, and she won’t be able to even replace Zim, to heal her trauma, for her to finally have an actual_ ** _human_** _friend Because she can’t_ ** _trust_** _anyone after what Zim has done to her._

_( She can’t leave anyone behind without causing more problems than she’s worth huh?_

_She just destroys everything she touches._

**_Everything._ ** _)_

_-_

_“_ _But you can set sail to the west if you want to_ _, “_

_“_ _And past the horizon,_ _“_

_“_ _'Till I can't even see you_ _\- “_

_“_ _Far from here,_ _“_

_“_ _Where the beaches are wide,_ _“_

_“_ _Just leave me your wake to remember you by_ _. “_

_-_

_Dib sipped the glass of wine in her glass slowly, then slammed the glass on the counter and asked for another._

_The normally indifferent bartender was starting to get worried._ _This woman had drunk at least five bottles total, just what happened to her?_ _The bartender decided to ask. Shrugging, they mused to themself, “ You only live once. “_

_The bartender coughed._

_“ Hey, isn’t that too much alcohol for one day? “ They tried, but the stubborn woman refused to raise her head from where it flopped on the counter._

_“ Sure. “ The woman in black mumbled out, obviously miffed that she couldn't get more of the mind-numbing liquid._

_Her head was still on the counter._

_The bartender‘s face twisted into a frown._

_“ So, aren't you supposed to be at home? I bet your family is worried. “_

_The woman in black shifted in her seat, head stubbornly still on the counter._

_“ Nah, they won’t care, so it’s fine. “ The woman in black slurred out, her shoulders lazily shrugging._

_The bartender was perplexed, why would her family not be worried about her when she was out at this hour?_

_The bartender huffed._

_“ Well, That sure is a bad family, huh? “ The bartender gave a small smile, trying to coax the woman to lift her head_ _up._

_“ No shit sherlock, they don’t even pretend to care. “ The woman in black laughed out a hollow, bitter laugh, shoulders shaking slightly with hollow mirth._

**_(_ ** _Disturbing._ **_)_ **

_The pale woman then muttered something under her breath._

_The bartender raised an eyebrow. “ Sorry, what was that? “ The bartender, Miza, leaned in closer, likely wanting to hear what she wanted to say._

_“ So don’t try to pretend around me. “ The woman in black growled out._

_The bartender's eyes widened._

_“ OH! No! No, no nononono! “ Miza quickly rambled, trying to explain themself._

_  
_ _“ I was just trying to know you! not any of that! Sorry if I came off to you that way, I was just trying to make a_ _friend! " Miza quickly blubbered out, raising their hands in an ‘ i come in peace ‘ motion._

_The woman in black lifted her head up, eyes lidded, and a non-caring expression plastered on her face._

_Miza was confused._

_“ So? Wanna be friends now? “ The woman in black smirked, as if expecting Miza to be disgusted and to walk away._

_Um, what?_

_“ Uh, sure? Why wouldn’t I want to? “ Miza didn’t know why this woman was expecting rejection the moment they saw her face._

_“ Um, don’t you know me? “ The woman in black raised an eyebrow, still waiting for impending rejection._

_“ No??? Why would I know you?? '' Ok, what’s happening here? This girl shows her face and expects Miza to kick her out??? Did Miza meet this gal before or something?? Is she an ex from an alternate dimension that somehow came here??? What are they missing???_

_“ Dib, Professor Membrane’s failure of a daughter? The crazy kid in the newspaper??_ _The poor insane daughter of the greatest scientist in the world??? “ She- Dib(?) drunkenly hiccuped out, obviously absolutely sure that- she looks at the yellow, white, and purple striped name-tag - Miza would kick her out now._

_Surprisingly, Miza’s eyebrows furrowed, and their mouth pulled itself into a pout._

_Miza’s hand smacked Dib’s head._

_That sobered Dib up real quick._

_Ow._

_“ Hey! don’t you call yourself that! I still don’t know you, but you are not insane!_ _You’re the sanest here as far as I'm concerned. “ They folded their arm’s in a huff, not amused in the slightest by Dib’s labels for herself._

_“ Everyone deserves respect! Why, I’ll give the people who said that a- “ They cut themselves off with a sheepish expression, “ Sorry about that, I get triggered by stuff_ ** _like not respecting someone as a person-_ ** _ahem, sorry again. “ They shyly rubbed the back of their neck, a red blush intensifying on their fairly pale face, brushed dark brown hair that was tied into a bun slightly disheveled from moving around too much._

_Dib was bewildered, hand rubbing the place Miza smacked hard, obviously thinking this all a hallucination._

_Even though she could feel the pain of the hit Miza rightfully ( at least that's what Miza likes to think ) dealt her._

_“ I gotta go. “ and with that, the woman in black dashed away._

_“ Hey Wait!- Annd she’s gone.“ Miza huffed again._

_“ She always ignores me. “_

_Miza went back to work._

_( Is she gonna be okay? )_

_-_

_“_ _If you'll be my star, “_

_“ I'll be your sky, “_

_“ You can hide underneath me, “_

_“ And come out at night. “_

_“ When I turn jet black, “_

**_“ And you show off your light, “_ **

_“ I live to let you shine, “_

( The sobbing got louder. )

**_“ I live to let you shine. ”_ **

-

Without Zim, everything was dull.

_Very, very, dull._

Dib, at the age of twenty, went through the same routine again, again, and _again,_ to the point, Dib felt like she was actually going insane.

Her routine: Wake up, brush teeth, eat, work, more work, even _more_ work, eat, brush teeth, sleep.

Rinsing and repeating the same thing for years definitely makes you want a changed life in general.

_( Even if that means the friend who betrayed you came back to apologize._

_Dib would love that so_ **_so_ ** _much. )_

_-_

_“_ _But you can skyrocket away from me, “_

_“ And never come back if you- ” _

**_“ Find another galaxy, “_ **

_“ Far from here, “_

_“ With more room to fly, “_

**_“ Just leave me your stardust to remember you by, “_ **

-

Today, in the present, Dib was listening to a song that reminded her of what their bond could’ve been had she not gone away.

_( Why did she leave anyway?_

_…_

_She never got the chance to tell you did she? )_

  
  


Dib told her not to come back, to never come back, but oh how she regrets saying that now.

  
  


_( Please come back,_

_…._

_Please….. )_

_Zim hadn’t left any stardust behind._

_Dib deserved it anyway._

-

Unknown to Dib, a suspiciously green figure was latched on her window watching her crying with regret.

The figure smiled.

_Guess she did come crawling back huh?_

_-_

**_“ Stardust, to remember you by. “_ **

-

**Saudade:** ( /ˌsaʊˈdɑːdə/ )

a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves.

_( A longing that I wish I didn’t feel._

_It hurts. )_

_-_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it!  
> or hate it.  
> whatever. :'(
> 
> ( comment please! they mean so much to me!  
> I see you trying not to comment- hey! Annd you're gone- )
> 
> edit: fixed all of the pronouns I got wrong! honestly, Ao3 is a bitch-


End file.
